i already hear my dad disowning me
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
