Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
