You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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