Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
