did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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