Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
