He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
