Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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