Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
