Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
