I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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