I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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