Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
