it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Randomize
