Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
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