I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
