I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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