I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
