I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
