***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How naked do you want me to be?
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