well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
