I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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