he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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