you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My penis needs a shock collar
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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