i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
