I want to have your abortion
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
