It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize