You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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