my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
