11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
