mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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