Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
