a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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