Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
