Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
