woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
