On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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