Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
