I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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