I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
