I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
