My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
