I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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