Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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