Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
