Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I checked into jail on foursquare
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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