im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
