I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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