Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
