I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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