I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
