I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
