Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
The best revenge is premature balding
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize
