why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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