Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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