I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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