Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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