I accidentally had phone sex last night
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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