I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
