Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
