bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
