Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i will never coherently bang her
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
